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Who In God’s Name is Jehovah?”
By Des Nnochiri
It’s a question which has puzzled Biblical scholars for centuries: What IS God’s real name, anyway?
The Bible itself doesn’t give too many clues. The Book of Exodus names Him as I Am Who I Am, as represented by the ancient Aramaic letters Y-- W - - H, which was in time expanded to Yahweh. The ancient Romans modified this name with their own alphabet, giving us Jehovah. Ever since, there has been much debate between various factions as to which form is correct.
Now, two groups of theologians - working separately - have come up with startling new evidence as to the true identity of the Creator.
In a sensational new book, “Who In God’s Name Is Jehovah?” (Apocalypse Press, 2005) scholars of the Christian Army for the Dynamic Realization of the End (CADRE) have put forward a theory - based on years of diligent research - that God’s real name is YEAH. As in, yes. Oui. Si. Uh-huh. Yep. You get the idea.
A spokesman for the CADRE (who declined to be named) confirmed the group’s findings. As he told this reporter: “Look around you, man. The Last Days are here and now. Iraq; al-Qaeda ; all these earthquakes and hurricanes. The world’s coming to an end. And the good Lord wants his Chosen Ones to embrace that end. Not with fear, or denial - but with enthusiasm. With gusto! He wants us up on the mountain top shouting YEAH!”
Certainly, the members of the CADRE that I met seem to be welcoming Armageddon with open arms. And heavy weapons.
At the group’s mountain retreat (whose location they asked us not to reveal), God’s Chosen Ones were hard at work laying in supplies of food and essential goods, oiling their assault rifles, laying mines, and cultivating “pharmacological herbs”. There’s a cheerful determination about these pilgrims that’s almost infectious. YEAH!
Meanwhile comes news of an astonishing discovery by the Spiritual Home of Absolute Fundamental Truth (SHAFT). In a document to be published next week, the SHAFT will reveal” incontrovertible proof” as to the true name of the most high God. I’ll reveal more about their findings once the book is published, but I can exclusively reveal to our readers that His name is - Jim.